Ugh ~ I'm done!!
I'm tired, I'm scared and I'm hurt.
Things that suppose to be easy are hard, the things that are suppose to be hard are impossible.
There is just TO much to seperate one thing from the other. Make a list, check it twice and start with the easiest problem.
Well the ones weighing me down are the hardest.
GRR!!
Ever have days maybe even weeks where it's easier to just not get out of bed?
I feel that I am holding it in for everybody but that I am going to snap.
*sigh*

Do you ever wonder if you meet people for a reason, or if it is out oc chance, maybe luck or because they are the person that is there at the right time? I often wonder this question. Does a person enter your lifely simply on luck or because they were meant to?
Over the last six years there has been many times where I have wondered if I had met him because of a reason or simply he was the right time and right place? The love that we had was it immature or was it honest? The conversations were they full of hope or reality? So many questions and just simply not enough time to answer them.
So here I am feeling guilty. A feeling that I haven't really experienced since that one day that changed everything. A feeling that still catches me off guard. I remember feeling shock, then anger, then sadness and then peace with moments of every other feeling coming into play every once in awhile but never do I remember guilt. It was your choice! Sorry buckoroo but when you are playing that deck of cards, you need to be prepared to lose.
However, the moments of seconds that I have felt lately have been different. The moments that I feel where you are maybe happy for us or proud make me feel guilty. There was a moment a couple weeks ago where I was dancing with your grandpa and he was having a jolly ol' time that I could feel inside me that you were smiling and then today when I saw our son read and be not only so proud but humble of himself, I could feel your hand upon my shoulder and a grin on your face. You would think that I would be happy to once again feel you, a feeling that has been long lost, but instead I feel guilt. Why is it that I get to enjoy this and not you?
Choices that I make always throw me into dilema.
A few months ago, I said goodbye to somebody that meant a lot to me. And No I didn't say goodbye because of death or distance but because I chose to say "it's time to move on". This friend I thought was a soul mate and even now feel that way but it seemed that the cards were always stacked against us. We had met may years before this but our friendship had bloomed over coffee, bad hair and cute kids. Easy enought. Then there were situations, the others friends, and finally trust. Which one of us lost trust first, I am not sure. So, I said goodbye.
For awhile things had started to look as though they might be better but instead it became worse for me. To see the pictures to hear the words made me feel that much more lost. So I made a choice.
Was the choice I made right? Was it selfish, unkind and heartless? Depending on who you talk to, the answer will be yes for each one. Or was it simply for survivle?
I sit hear and silently whisper to myself that everything happens for a reason. But do I believe that?
Were you meant to be taken at such a young age? Were you meant to finally have lost faith in a good friend??
As I sit here, I wonder, am I the person that I want to be? As tough as I am on the outside, is it real?
Maybe one day when I am a bit older I can smile with you as you look down at us and maybe one day we can hug and say taht it is just okay.
However most likely my skin will jsut get tougher and my heart a little weaker but I will move on because survival is your only choice.

I know that as of recent that I haven't been blogging much but there is reason behind it. One being that it is summer and during the summer I seem to always stray away from the computer a little bit. I don't even play Warcraft that much during the summer. That has got to speak volumes to anybody that plays that highly addictive game. The other being that lately my mind has been fairly occupied.
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A good friend of mine is going through a lot. Her whole family is actually. As being one of her close confidents, my mind has been busy. Busy wondering questions, wondering reasons and wondering so many other things. However not things to wonder on a public read site.
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I take great pride in being her confident and feel that in someway this might be the most helpful I have ever been. I am there. It doesn't matter if I am puking sick, tired, busy, or whatever, I am there. I finally feel that I can be somebodies friend, no matter what. Being that, I feel that my questions and thoughts need to remain to myself.
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I promise I will be back to blogging soon enough. Until then, I will continue to post pictures.

The other day LW and I took the kids to the park for a little morning rondezvous. The park is a good place to get the kids outside and burn some energy. On this particular l'il Miss J came up and asked so very sweetly "Auntie Jamie, will you take a picture of Ethan and me, please". Well with that cute little voice, those darling eyes and perfect smile hunny, I will do anything for you.
Normally Miss J won't allow me to take picture of her and especially not with L'il E but on this day she was right into it so I thought I better snap away while I had the chance.
Below is a picture of Miss J and L'il E. Just the greatest friends :)

I am happy to annouce that my l'il mans first tooth fell out!!!
It actually fell out last night but I have yet to have an opportunity to brag to the world. Just another sign that my l'il boy is growing up.
He was *SO* excited to go to bed last night and to wait for the tooth fairy. Right before Chad and I headed off to bed ourselves, I tiptoed into his bedroom with a crisp five dollar bill in the hope to place it under his pillow. However, he managed to fall asleep with his arms streched right open, as if waiting for a hug, over both pillows. There was no way me or any tooth fairy was getting that money under his pillow. So I laid on his bedstand table where he had left the tooth.
This morning he came out all smiles, holding his brand new five dollar bill.
I posted some pictures. If anybody is wondering, yes his face is broken out. I am not sure exactly what it is other then maybe a rash. Poor l'il fellow!

Just recently I got the urge to scrap book again. I took about a month break there but after going camping and reading various scrap book magazine for four days straight, the urge was back and it was strong. In the last few days I have managed to finish off four more pages for our vacation album. Not many pages but for me it is great. It seems to take me forever to finish a page however I will say that I am getting a bit quicker as the techniques become easier.
Anyways, I thought I would show off all my hard work :)
Remember, some pages have blank spots for the journal to go into.

19. Go entire day wihtout use the computer ~ Completed July 1, 2008

This may be cheating but either way I went almost four days without using the computer. Pretty good for me. I could hardly wait as we got our luggage in the door to catch up on facebook, blogs and people. I'm a SUPER cool person :)

87. Teach l'il E how to fish ~ Completed June 30,2008

While out at Tatuk lake we had the opportunity to teach our l'il man how to fish. He wasn't very impressed with the whole experience but at least we got him out there. He did not want to touch the fish, he found it boring just sitting in the boat and he did not like the feeling of the boat when going fast.
Below is a picture of the very first fish l'il E caught. It was a whooper :)

As today was the nicest day that we have had in about three weeks now, LW and I decided it was a good time to let the kidlets outside to play and burn off some energy. LW and I are a pretty good pair with handling three small children and for the most part we are in control. I managed to snap a few pictures from up on the deck. I hope we have many more sunny days this summer to play in the backyard, chill at the waterpark and even maybe one day head to the lake.

I'm such a proud mama bear today. This sounds really silly but this is my first year gardening and to see my baby plants bloom just makes me jump for joy. I took a few pictures so that you guys could enjoy as well.
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Every morning starts out the same for me. Coffee, morning pee, people.com, facebook and a few of my favorite blogs. The other morning I woke up to find that my best friend was no longer going to write in her blog. My heart crumbled.
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This friend of mine has been going through a lot lately. I understood her reasoning for ending her blog but it just seemed so wrong. I so badly wanted to be understanding but I couldn't handle it and told her that it was a real shame that she was no longer going to do something that she loved so much and was so good at. Not only did I enjoy seeing the pictures of her little ones but I so very much enjoyed reading her blog. A good writer can inspire, they can make you think, they can change you. She did that for me.
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I told her with tears running down my face that it was wrong of her to stop. That everything in my heart was saying that this wasn't right. I understood if she couldn't write about everything going on in her life but she could write about her children and she could write about the good things. After all, she is going to bloom no matter what side she is on. Life simply sucks sometimes. The only thing we can muster to say at times is that "we were given this life because we were strong enough to live it". However, no matter all the bad, she is also very good at seeing the good.
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I urge you to check out her blog. Her blog is a treat. It is warm, welcoming and friendly. You are greeted by a beautiful layout with the perfect music in the background. Pictures of her little ones and their creative drawings tip it off. Not only is this a blog more then worthy of reading it is also a blog that brings you comfort. So I beg you to please check it out.
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http://bloomingbrighterontheotherside.blogspot.com/